Today is a beautiful day.
I woke up this morning and for the first time in a few weeks I listened to worship, I talked with God, and I just let go of everything. This season is about trusting God, do I trust Him? Why wouldn't I? He has never given me a reason to think that I couldn't, and yet, at every opportunity to run to Him instead I run from Him.
I've never had a father...and yet I always have. God has taken care of me, always, He has never failed me and of course He never will. I needed to get my heart right. I'm thankful that I did this morning. I felt myself come back into God's presence and He hasn't left me yet. Continuing to revitalize the parts of me that were dying. Proclaiming life over them. Taking authority and keeping me in His thoughts. He's good.
There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. I fight demons sometimes. Demons that tell me it's too hard to live this way, demons that try to convince me that I need to cut myself in order to feel relief. Things that tell me I'm not good enough. I'm not that person anymore. I haven't been for that person for years. My relief, my joy, my hope, my strength they don't come from those things anymore. There are no more demonic strongholds over those areas of my life.
Life is a conscious decision. A few days ago I lost sight of that. I remember being 13 years old and living in a blur everyday cutting myself, everyday wanting to die, everyday hoping that if God really existed that He would get me through another day, that He would save me. I remember how dark those days were, how heavy and dense and thick those days were. I hated being in that place and I choose not to go there anymore. It's too enticing, it's too familiar in the worst ways, it's deadly.
This season of rest doesn't mean that what I'm doing is worthless or pointless. Just because God hasn't made me a millionaire doesn't mean that He isn't providing and taking care of me. Matthew 6:19-34 talks about God clothing, feeding, and housing the birds and says the we, his people, are much more valuable than they so how much more will he provide for us? I live in an apartment. Last week I was given 3 bags of clothes including a coat, and I've had so many people buying or bringing me food. I am in His favor. He is providing and just because that doesn't look the way I want it to or expect it to doesn't make it any less valuable. Man, I've been ungrateful. I am ungrateful. I've seen that these last few days. That my heart could turn to stone over some coins, call me Judas. I don't need to worry, tomorrow has enough worry on its own.
In the end, God is still God, He is still Good, and He has the best plans for me.
I trust Him.
I woke up this morning and for the first time in a few weeks I listened to worship, I talked with God, and I just let go of everything. This season is about trusting God, do I trust Him? Why wouldn't I? He has never given me a reason to think that I couldn't, and yet, at every opportunity to run to Him instead I run from Him.
I've never had a father...and yet I always have. God has taken care of me, always, He has never failed me and of course He never will. I needed to get my heart right. I'm thankful that I did this morning. I felt myself come back into God's presence and He hasn't left me yet. Continuing to revitalize the parts of me that were dying. Proclaiming life over them. Taking authority and keeping me in His thoughts. He's good.
There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. I fight demons sometimes. Demons that tell me it's too hard to live this way, demons that try to convince me that I need to cut myself in order to feel relief. Things that tell me I'm not good enough. I'm not that person anymore. I haven't been for that person for years. My relief, my joy, my hope, my strength they don't come from those things anymore. There are no more demonic strongholds over those areas of my life.
Life is a conscious decision. A few days ago I lost sight of that. I remember being 13 years old and living in a blur everyday cutting myself, everyday wanting to die, everyday hoping that if God really existed that He would get me through another day, that He would save me. I remember how dark those days were, how heavy and dense and thick those days were. I hated being in that place and I choose not to go there anymore. It's too enticing, it's too familiar in the worst ways, it's deadly.
This season of rest doesn't mean that what I'm doing is worthless or pointless. Just because God hasn't made me a millionaire doesn't mean that He isn't providing and taking care of me. Matthew 6:19-34 talks about God clothing, feeding, and housing the birds and says the we, his people, are much more valuable than they so how much more will he provide for us? I live in an apartment. Last week I was given 3 bags of clothes including a coat, and I've had so many people buying or bringing me food. I am in His favor. He is providing and just because that doesn't look the way I want it to or expect it to doesn't make it any less valuable. Man, I've been ungrateful. I am ungrateful. I've seen that these last few days. That my heart could turn to stone over some coins, call me Judas. I don't need to worry, tomorrow has enough worry on its own.
In the end, God is still God, He is still Good, and He has the best plans for me.
I trust Him.