Recently, I've been going through hell with people in my life. Not my friends..no, they're great. With people who think that "because I know you I understand you and I'm therefore entitled to give you my opinion on everything."
I've been on this since my DTS. If I tell you something - that doesn't make us close. It doesn't make us friends. My story is a story of redemption everyday - my story isn't a secret - but my story, especially the past, doesn't define who I am at this very moment. It adds to who I am, but it isn't completely who I am.
So if you know about my mother's murder and that I grew up in a dysfunctional home that doesn't mean that you understand me or that you're my friend. It means that you know a fact about my life.
I am a sinner.
I read an article about missions being sexy. I decided to share some of my revelation on just how sexy it is.
Here's what you don't know about missions.
You don't know that once you've committed to being a missionary that almost immediately every believer in your life is going to question that call or convince you to stay in school so that you can have a 'Plan B' in case following Jesus falls through.
You don't know that it is much easier said than done when it truly comes down to pleasing Christ over man.
You don't know that once you've climbed the mountain full of obstacles and difficulty that everyone will still leave you.
You don't know that being a missionary means you're always leaving or saying goodbye.
You don't know that even when you return changed and radicalized by taking the Gospel to unreached people and nations and seeing them come to Christ that you'll come home and find it radically unchanged.
I, Kortnee Barnes, will not promise BUT will try to be a more consistent blogger! I really want to talk about India and all that the Lord is revealing to me but first I'm going to let you into some struggle and growth I've been going through. So, in the last post I told you that God had answered some HUGE prayers, and He did...I, however, did not use His answers to their full capability and have since been struggling with my role, my relationships, my reality, my faith that God is still near to me..and that was a struggle that has left my heart in a very fragile place with Jesus. Thankfully, I am still with Jesus and no longer wandering about trying to fix myself.
What the Lord is teaching me, Part 1
I am capable of all that He has asked me to do. That faith is not only believing He will but also that only because of Him, I can.
God requires all of who I am.
And He can have it.
I am so tired of even attempting what others want me to be because it's such a filthy, cheap version of what I'm supposed to be in Christ. Any time we try to become other than what God has said we are, we're jilting ourselves, and we're telling God "I'll do this my way because the way you made me isn't good enough."
I haven't updated in almost a full 4 months! ...oops! A lot has been happening and all to the glory of God. I came home from my DTS and drowned in reverse culture shock, struggling to be back in my "home" with no one who understood where I was coming from, and a lot of confusion on what exactly was coming in this new season. I've always described my walk with God using Psalm 119:105, "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path," and I imagine myself standing in a forest so black that it's dense and on my own I have no direction or idea of how to go forward, but God is my lamp and the light shines in the direction I'm supposed to be going just enough for me to take 1 step. After I've taken that step, the lamp continues to show me step by step and it is only with complete faith that I follow the light.
I had been praying to find friends who loved Jesus for what seemed like forever and I hadn't been finding it. I've been finding people who are verbally saying they love Jesus but denying Him by their actions, or people who don't know Him, and those people are good friends but I've definitely needed solid believers to pour into me and pour into. But God can use ANYONE! I met my friend Danielle through one of my roommates who is not a believer. Danielle gets it. She totally sees the glory, understands the urgency, and seeks the fullness of Christ. We've been having some deep conversations about the Lord and His glory and His plan and the coming of His Kingdom...it goes on and on, just like His faithfulness! Because of my deep friendship with her I've been introduced to her group of friends who live in a house run by their church; it's been day and night having community with these kids! I've just been incredibly blessed and it is so worth the frustration and struggle then to have this now.